Eye of the Storm (Not the Tiger)
For the last few weeks, I’ve been taking a break from all things law school. Most of the advice I’ve read says that’s the thing to do during the summer before starting. I never doubted that it was a wise idea; I did, however, doubt my ability to do it.
I tend to attack areas of interest with singular focus, staying dedicated to that single topic until I’ve exhausted either available knowledge or available energy. This approach has both helped and hurt me in the past, depending on the circumstance, and I’ve been trying to learn how best to temper these tendencies. There are classes I took in undergrad that I have no real memory of attending, not because I didn’t go but because they weren’t part of my focus that semester. I can’t afford to do that in law school, and even if I could, I wouldn’t want to. So I’ve been spending my time off between degrees working toward a more even approach.
This whole law school application process, I have to say, has helped me incredibly on this front. Maybe I’m weird, but I’ve really enjoyed it. Granted, I was always one to enjoy a theatre audition more than actually getting the role. I have always loved applying and putting myself out there, so I’m not surprised I loved my application cycle. But it also taught me a lot. I learned to let myself take time for decisions, to not let myself overthink things I can’t change. I allowed myself to be in limbo about my plans for the future (what school? What classes? Where would I live? What’s my ten-year plan?) and not flip out about the indecision. And I gave myself permission to be patiently interested in something. I can’t speed up the approach of August by reading more cases on LexisNexis. I can’t guarantee my success by rereading One L until it’s committed to memory. There’s an event–the beginning of law school–that is guaranteed to take place in my future. It’s not going away if I ignore it, nor is it coming faster if I focus on it. I can’t conquer the subject matter, I can’t predict my future performance, I can’t contain the possibilities or plan for all eventualities. At the same time, I won’t lose my chance to do this by taking some mental time off. I put my time in, slowly but surely, throughout the cycle. And now, I’m floating in the calm before the storm.
When I started this whole thing, I half expected to burn myself out before last September. It’s what I’ve done before, and I was worried I’d do it again. I’d spend six months or so obsessing about the possibilities, only to hit that point of exhausting my available energy. Then I’d move on to the next what-if plan that I wouldn’t follow through with, and so life would continue. Maybe it’s a testament to my personal growth these last few years, or maybe it’s more related to finally finding something I really do want to do. I’m not sure why I’ve stuck with this idea, this plan, this future for myself, but I’m really happy I have. There are dreams I never considered possible that are looking more real every day. There are opportunities on the horizon that I never imagined. I’m excited about my future, but I’m being excited patiently, quietly, and with tempered anticipation about what this fall will bring.
It’s an attitude I never thought I’d accomplish, and I’m thankful that everything that’s happened has brought me here. I’ll continue to post throughout the next few months, when I get new information (should be getting another packet from HP soon) or when a thought strikes. And I’ll continue to spend this summer watching TV shows, reading chick lit novels, hanging out with friends, training for roller derby, and all the other things that I have the freedom to do right now. It’s a big world out here, and I plan to enjoy the hell out of it.
